9/3/26

Lawns and cars and the way they dominate the US is the epitome of THE problem.

I want birds & bees and bikes and trains and I will pray for it every day.

9/1/2026

Been thinking a lot about the future. F told me that anxiety lives in the future tense and that was helpful to me. It's so wonderful when my friends/ loved one's words stick in my head and they're positive.

My grandma told me to go to nursing school and then I told her it was too late and she told me that she told me to go before it was too late. I know it comes from a good place, but she's become more demanding as she gets older, more judgmental to be honest. She gets genuinely angry at me when I don't come home for birthdays and things like that which is hard because the trip is long and there are certain folks I can't see without weeks of panic attacks prior (my dad). She's not very understanding of that. She just feels abandoned/ angry that I moved away from St. Louis. I do think about what it would be like to be older and lonely and wish your young relatives would spend more time with you. Where else is the meaning for people as we grow old? I want to be that for her but the truth is if I moved home my mental health would potentially become so unmanageable that I wouldn't be a independent functioning adult/ would not be a good person to be around. She doesn't get that, and I get why she doesn't understand but her judgement still hurts me. It's hard to relate to people & relatives with no major history with mental health issues. I find this with friends sometimes too. There's just a huge gap of understanding there that's hard to bridge even with empathy. It's like trying to explain to a fish how to be a bear. Your skin would feel different you know?

Kinda the same reason I think therapists without mental health concerns in their past should pick a different career. It's not a super good fit to counsel people on something you have no personal experience with.

8/27/26

11:18

Met a vibrant 91 yo who has a really happy outlook, lives independently in an apartment and says they stopped smoking 6 years ago but 'enjoyed every puff'. Really gives me hope for the future and makes me want to get coffee with her and learn about how she lived her life.

10:40 AM

Just spoke to a guy from Franklin NC about the Appalachian trail and how its one of the most beautiful places in the country. I'm so grateful I got to see this place and be there and it reminds me that I need to seek experiences like that out.

I think I might just lock into healthcare career. I am having major doubts like what if I should be an art professor or a botanist and the truth is I think I wanna be a PA because out of all of those careers they have the best life style. Like I could work part time and make a realllly good living. Someone asked me what my dream next step was and I couldn't answer. The truth is I don't know so why not choose a career based on lifestyle and work life balance. I don't have a dream job because I don't dream of a job. I dream of a fulfilling life.

9 AM

In the midst of all that I did my ADHD testing. What they don't tell you about ADHD testing is they are also ruling out other diagnoses that could present in a similar way. So I really just wanted Adderall to help me do well in my pre-requisites for school and now I'm coming away with OCD PTSD ADHD DEPRESSION ANXIETY etc etc. Legitimately more diagnostics than I can count. The truth is I have always been dealing with a lot and the diagnoses are kind of validating to that effect. Like yeah you struggled in school and all that not everyone has more mental illnesses than they can count on one hand. Many people do many people don't and it reminds me to truly be my own measuring stick.

8/26

You've heard this story before- my partner might maybe might maybe soon move across the country for their career as a wildlife biologist. Taking suggestions and thoughts. They might maybe might maybe move to California for a year and not want to plan around me. Might maybe might maybe.

It's so scary to be invested and in love with someone. People are fallible and as follows so are relationships. How does one find security in an insecure world? In the end we can hold onto each other as tight as we can but circumstances beyond our control have more sway then our actions ever will. So we are resilient, and so the wheel of life remains untrue.

8/5

Read ADHD assessment from the doctors office felt clocked. Getting testing this month bc I am considering going back to school and I will literally be damned if I go into debt for grad school without trying ADHD medication for school purposes.

The way I see it there's literally nothing about being the way I am that I want to change there are just things about the world that I want to change. And as it stands I am in the world. So I want to alter the way that I am in my job/ school so that I don't feel like I am limited in my career potential. Like I don't wanna be late and have bad reviews from supervisors so I feel like I can't apply to competitive jobs and reach for interesting careers and apply to competitive grad programs etc. Anyway any how I feel like my main problem with school is not my ability but my ability to apply myself so I really want to be able to like study. We will see they might be like noooo you wrong girl. I am also getting testing from a private practice psyd who doesn't do it super often anymore. Could work in my favor marvelously or the opposite.

8/2

Ideal day attended buddhist meditation therapy then pottery studio finished a commission of wet ware did mini triathalon practiced my celtic tunes watched tv knitted had two meals of bloody mary:

lunch: entire beef kebab and banana pepper in bloody mary

dinner: head on grilled prawns and banana pepper in bloody mary

dw everyone I more than that today too it's for the bit that i'm calling it a meal

i'm in the buddhist part of my twenties now

also my scoby is getting new bath today

ps if anyone is reading this guess my identity

7/31

Trying to have an actual chill weekend when making plans can be soooo stressful and unfun sometimes if there's too much strees imbued in the process. Just like lets do what we waaaaant.

Also a big transition because for all the years of my life before now it used to be what do I want? Which is sometimes an equally hard question. But usually I want one social activity each weekend day, art, exercise and companionship. Maybe it is just that simple. I want to do my hobbies, see friends and feel mentally energized / calm.

The feeling mentally energized / calm piece has been more of a challenge recently. It's that feeling down my spine like a tight wire that keeps me anxious I think, or maybe the pit in my stomach or the radiation behind my eyes. It goes away and comes back and It helps to stay sober but sometimes doesn't. And I want to see what it's like to be sober for a month again. I used to go many months sober but I haven't gone more than a week without a substance in over 6 months. So maybe that's it. I don't know. I don't want to be tight laced and stressed out, but I don't want to worsen my mental problems. I want to figure draw and sculpt and be in art spaces more. I miss it.

7/30/26

I'm soooo back. It feels so good to be typing on this beautiful website. And all the while I've been having thoughts with no place to put them.

Just took a blood pressure wrong eeeeek now I gotta have the doc tell me 'you did this wrong' and doubt my whole deal. But my stethescope is shitty idk what they expect.

Update- I got 118/80 doc got 180/90 or smthn. You don't love to hear that but good news is the doctor is nice and told me tips.